Three types of people who make me wish for the end of civilization as we know it.

On March 6th of this year I wrote a blog entry of a few things that piss me off. Well today I was thinking about some other things that really make me just want to scream at the top of my lungs. The last time I wrote about silly little things like Clubs, Lady Gaga and winter boots with heels. Now I still hate all of these things but this time I want to hit harder. Some of you people might get offended with some of the things I say. Do you know what I have to say to that? Go fuck yourself. That’s what I have to say. If you know who I am you know that at times I’m going to say something that might offend you. If you can’t handle that then just move along, I’ll be fine. I’ve decided to become more honest with people and this is me just being honest. Alright, here we go.

Ok, the first thing that just drives me nuts is when people decide that they need to “cleanse.” I’ll be completely honest and say that I had never heard of people doing this until 2009. The moment I had heard that people do this I thought to myself “that’s probably the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard.” Now for you people who do not know what a “cleanse” is I have two things to say to you:

a) Congratulations.
b) I am truly sorry for telling you about the dumbest fucking thing imaginable.

Now what cleansing is supposed to do is remove the toxins in your body, help you lose weight and even enhance your mood. Well doesn’t that just sound fanfuckingtastic! So how does it work you ask? Well let me tell you about just one of your options!

The most famous body cleanse is something called the Master Cleanse. How about that? Great name huh? It already sounds like your best option doesn’t it? Well let’s see what you’ll be consuming to cleanse all the shit out of your body. I’ll take you step through step.

So the first thing you do in the morning is wake up. Ok, sounds about right. That’s the first thing I do in the morning. Then you pour yourself a nice lukewarm, 32oz, glass of water. Ok, seems easy enough. Then pour in 2 teaspoons of uniodized sea salt and stir. Congratulations! You’ve just made breakfast! Now drink that bad boy. You’re on your way to a successful cleansing.

Now I bet you’re asking me why you just had lukewarm salt water for breakfast. That’s a fine question. Let me tell you with the help of the fine people at the “Just Cleansing” website:

“The salt detoxifies the entire digestive system and flushes out any impurities and toxins so they won't be reabsorbed back into the body. It isn't the most pleasant experience but the results are worth it so be strong!”

Well how about that? Ok, yes it sounds like a shitty way to start your day and no you aren’t really getting any significant nutrients and sure you’ll be hungry as hell by lunch but you want results, don’t you?

Speaking of lunch, what’s on the menu?

Well, for lunch it looks like you’re having yourself another nice little liquid mix. I know, you love chewing and breakfast was a little, let’s say, light but you want to get rid of those toxins, lose weight, look and feel good don’t you? Of course you do! Ok, well here’s the recipe.

First get yourself a nice juice pitcher. You know those kinds that you use to make great Caesars in, grab that. Then pour in 12 tablespoons organic Lemon Juice, 12 tablespoons organic Grade B Maple Syrup, 1/2 teaspoon Cayenne Pepper, and finally 60oz Purified Water. Now stir all that shit together and you’ve got lunch and an afternoon snack!

Yeah, that’s supposed to last you throughout the whole day. But c’mon those results are going to be worth it. What’s that? You want to know why you’re eating this instead of real food. Ok, well I’ll let the “Just Cleansing” people take it from here again:

“Maple Syrup
Although you may normally just pour it on your waffles, Grade B maple syrup contains a variety of minerals and vitamins. These include iron, chlorine, potassium, calcium, magnesium, manganese, copper, phosphorus, sulphur and silicon not to mention Vitamins A, B1, B2, B6 and C. Also present is Pantothenic acid, a type of B-Vitamin that can lower cholesterol.”

“Lemon Juice
Lemon juice is used to produce more bile in the liver, trapping fat molecules and allowing them to be easily secreted. It also helps to decrease your appetite.”

“Cayenne Pepper
Cayenne pepper increases metabolism and aids digestion. It is also a good source of Vitamins A, B, C, Calcium and Potassium.”

“Purified Water
The benefits of water need little explanation. It speeds your metabolism, cleans your internal organs and even helps you live longer!”

Alright, I’m sure you didn’t read that because, really, who gives a shit? The good news is that you can drink all that crap mixture you made for yourself all damn day.

So now it’s probably 5pm and you’ve just ended your shift at that soul crushing thing you call your job and it’s time to go home. You have to be looking forward to that, I mean you’ve been at work for 8 hours, you haven’t eaten a damn thing and all the food you own is at your place. It’s celebration time. What’s for dinner you ask? How about a fucking herbal laxative tea?

Yeah, that’s right your day ends with a laxative tea. Well the laxative part is really simple. You haven’t actually produced any waste all damn day. You’re gonna need that tea. Why no food again? Well foods have toxins in them, right? You don’t want to look like the big heap of shit that you look like now, do you? Of course you don’t. Who would?

So just live off of this simple cleanse diet for 3 or 4 days and you’ll lose a few pounds, get rid of all those toxins in your body, feel better and look better!

What’s that you say? How is being on a cleanse going to help you in the long run? Oh, well it doesn’t. Sure, it’ll do something now but we all know what’s going to happen. You’ll go back to eating like shit, drinking 9 cups of coffee a day, sitting on your ass all week and doing all the other horrible shit that made you decide to do this stupid fucking cleanse in the first place.

That’s right; we live in a society where people decide to live off of salt water, a shitty lemon juice mixture, and a laxative tea for almost a week at a time just to reverse the effects of their own shitty lifestyle. What do they do after that? They go back to their shitty lifestyle and nothing is accomplished at all.

That’s what bothers me the most. As a society we’ve decided to live in a world of short cuts and temporary solutions. Now people who know me know that I’m not a health conscious person at all. I really couldn’t care about that shit at all. But I am conscious of people who do stupid fucking things. Cleansing is a stupid fucking thing.

Let’s travel back and see at why people do these cleanses in the first place.

The first reason is to remove the toxins in your body. Well this is a simple solution. Stop fucking consuming the shit you do. How about you stop fucking eating fast food, drink booze like its being taken away from you or pump your body with street drugs if you don’t want toxins in your body. Now I’m not telling you to stop doing those things, far from it. Just don’t fucking start all that shit back up again after you’ve done your cleanse. What’s the point of getting rid of those toxins if you’re just gonna put them right back in there? There isn’t one.

Now the second reason people do this fucking shit is to lose a few pounds. This is fine. People always want to lose weight. However this has to be the most fucking retarded way of losing weight I have ever heard. Now you know how you are constantly looking down on anorexic people? You do it, I do it, and your mother does it. These cleanses are just one step away from temporary anorexia. How about this, just fucking change your day to day diet and you’ll not have to cleanse away all that fat and shit from your body.

That brings us to the last reason people do these cleanses; to feel better. I can’t hate a person for wanting to feel better. Who could? Only an asshole of epic proportions would want someone to not feel good. Now everyone knows that exercise naturally makes you feel better. It’s just one of those miracles of science. You take a run and you feel better, naturally. But hey, why do that? You want to feel better without actually doing anything, so you do this stupid cleanse. Really though, it makes me think. Street drugs make you feel better too, why not just stick to those?

These people who do these “cleanses” just drive me fucking insane. We live in a world where people want all of the benefits of healthy living right fucking now but are unwilling to change their lives to fucking get them. But they will starve themselves for days at a time.

Just go to a Third World Country and explain to them your stupid cleanse to them. You’d be lucky not to have the shit kicked out of you, and you know what, I’d help them. Cleanses are by, and for, twisted, lazy, middle-class, Yuppie douche bags. It’s that simple.

Wow, that went on for a while didn’t it? Jeez. Ok, well I’m on a streak so let’s move on to the next topic of my distain.

The next group of people I’m going to talk about are mostly found on University and College campuses anywhere in North America. They aren’t usually found in the places that you would think that I’d be talking about. No, they aren’t in the Business or Psychology departments. They’re actually found for the most part in the same halls I was educated in: English, Film Studies, and Philosophy departments.

These are the people who say: “I’m not religious, I’m spiritual!”

Holy shit these people are pretentious assholes.

Right now I’ll come out and say this, I am, and always have been, an Atheist. There wasn’t a single moment in my life that I ever believed that there was some sort of higher being, and I honestly don’t get how anyone else could think otherwise. That being said I think these people who claim to be spiritual but not religious are massive dickheads.

Do you know why these people don’t claim to be religious? They’re ashamed of their beliefs and the people who share them.

That’s right, they’re ashamed. These people see the typical ignorant religious person, who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs, on the news because it’s an easy sound-byte for the 11 O’clock news and they say to themselves: “Fuck that! I’m smart. There’s no way I’m part of that.”

These people go to College, enrol in classes in the Humanities Department, and spew their idiotic comments to anyone who will listen for four years, and then move on to the Suburbs. The cycle happens every year without fail.

What I don’t understand is how these people can think that being spiritual is different from being religious. It can’t be. By definition the two are exactly the fucking same thing. These people simply want a new label so they aren’t seen by their peers in their Existentialism courses to think that they’re less of an intellectual. They’re fucking phonies and it’s fucking disgusting.

So let’s use my handy little Oxford Dictionary to get the definition of the cute little nickname they’ve given themselves to show other people just how different they are.

“spiritual:
• adjective 1 relating to or affecting the human spirit as opposed to material or physical things. 2 relating to religion or religious belief.”

Well wouldn’t you look at that? It means exactly the same fucking thing. Who would have guessed that?

Now some “spiritual” people will say that they “don’t believe in any form of religious worship, or in any gods.” Well then how exactly are you spiritual? You sound like an Atheist who is too much of a baby to tell their friends and family that they don’t believe in god. You also sound like a jackass when you talk like that.

Again, the reality is that these people are either self-loathing religious people who are ashamed of their beliefs and do not want their “intellectual” college friends to lump them in with the crazies that the news get their sound-bytes from OR they are Atheists who simply don’t have the balls to call themselves that in public.

Now even though I am an Atheist I do have religious friends. It’s true, it can happen. I don’t belittle them for their faith, although I have been known to crack a joke or two. But their faith is their faith. However these “spiritual” jackasses, I have no patience for. Pick a damn side. I don’t care what side you pick, just make a goddamn choice.

That’s really all I have to say about the topic of spiritual people. Now the third type of people I am going to talk about, and who’s existence drives me insane, are somewhat similar. Like the spiritual people they too have decided to live a new age sort of bullshit lifestyle. These people are the ones who claim to be “at one with nature.”

Every time I hear someone who says that their goal is to become “one with nature” I throw up a little bit in my mouth.

What they mean by being at one with nature is that they are much more advanced environmentalists than you or I. They recycle and they believe that they have a spiritual connection with nature!

Sure you do.

Now what you have to remember is that we all, as human beings, are inherently a part of nature. Our existence on the planet occurs naturally. We were created, live, and die in nature. Any living thing on this planet, animal, plant, liquid or fucking whatever is actually a part of nature.

These people have this fucking abstract thought process where they think that regular people are separate from nature and it takes a real special person to be “at one” with it. No, that’s not how it works. Everything that we do as a species has an effect on nature, no matter what some climate change denying jackass will tell you. To think that you’re some sort of enlightened being because of your environmentalism is a stupid thing to think. Being an environmentalist is a fantastic thing, making you out to be Mr. Wonderful because of it is foolish.

Have you ever noticed who all of these people who claim to be “at one with nature” are? They’re those whiney white kids from the suburbs with Yuppie parents who, after living in a college town for four years, moved out to the city and decided to buy a Vespa and shop at Whole Foods. You never see a kid from a farming community or a person from the First Nation’s tell you about how they’ve become one with nature. Why do you think that is?

Do you want to know why I think that is? Of course you do, why else would you be reading this?

You never hear those people say stupid things like that because they know what it’s like outside of the city limits and they know a little bit more about the harsh realities of nature than the douche kid who takes his parent’s SUV up to go fucking white water rafting for the weekend.

They know that nature doesn’t really give a flying fuck about us, nor will it ever let us be “at one” with it. Actually nature doesn’t really have a thought process, so not only will it not let us to join it as soul mates it can’t even really think about constructs like the buddy-buddy relationship that Mr. Weekend Nature Lover wishes to have with it. What happens in nature happens for two reasons; either because it occurs naturally and has for millions of years or because of man-made reasons (like acid rain and other horrible shit like that.)

To think that you, or anyone, could really become “at one with nature” is probably one of the dumbest things you could ever say or attempt. It’s not going to happen. Not now, not ever. Get over yourself, enlist in another one of those totally rad outdoor philosophy classes that you love so much, and don’t forget your hacky-sack.

Jesus, looking back at all of these stupid Yuppie, middle-class, pseudo-religious, jackasses in society I am starting to think that the Suburbs were the worst thing to ever happen to the West.