The Golden Moustache Years

On New Year’s Day of 2009 I was having a terrible meal with some friends at our usual Chinese buffet when a group of men, all older than us, came in. All of these guys had moustaches. My friends were quick to make fun of these gentlemen. I heard the usual stuff about how they looked like porn stars from the 1970’s or child molesters. Unlike the rest of the group, I took a stance. For I knew something that they didn’t know, when you enter your 30’s you are entering a new era: The Golden Moustache Years.

Just when my friends had made about their 10th comment insulting these men I stopped them. “Now just wait a minute,” I pleaded. “How can you make fun of the moustache? It’s a true sign of a real man.”

At this point I really didn’t know where I was going with my argument, I just knew that I was now facing the task of sticking up for the oft-insulted moustache. I was going to have to use all of my powers of persuasion on this one.

Then, like a bolt of lightning, it came to me; hit them where they live.

“Ok, you’re all making fun of these guys but how many of your Dad’s had moustaches when you were growing up, or still have one?” As soon as I said it they all stopped and thought about it. Everyone’s father had a moustache at some point and some of them, including mine, still have one.

Now I had their attention, it was up to me to floor them now. I briefly thought it over and I came up with my hypothesis.

“You know why our father’s had moustaches? It’s simple; it’s what men do when they turn 30 years old. It’s expected. Those are your ‘Golden Moustache Years!’”

I then asked all of my friends to think of all the men they knew over the age of 30 and if they had moustaches. It turns out it’s not just our father’s who have moustaches, our uncles, friends of the family, and neighbours have them too.

Now that is not to say that all of the men that we know in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s have moustaches. Some of the people I was dining with would mention how they have an uncle family friend who does not have one. “Well, how much do you trust this man,” I asked.

“Not too much,” seemed to be the unanimous answer.

It was at this point in time that we all as a group did something that we haven’t done before, or since; we all agreed on something.

It was declared right then and there that any man between the ages of 30 and 60 years old MUST have a moustache. It’s the respectable thing to do. Your father did it and goddamnit, you’ll do it!

The bad news is that currently I’m 25 years old and I seem to be unable to grow a moustache.