Earth Day: Pfft, Big Fucking Deal.

So yesterday was Earth Day around the World; what a crock of shit.

Now before anyone thinks that I’m one of those dumbasses you see on television that denies global warming or says that recycling is a waste of time I can assure you that I am not that kind of person. Denying global warming now is like denying Newton’s theory of gravitation or Darwin’s theory of evolution; sure it’s just a theory but all the science in the world is going to back it up.

My problem with Earth Day is that it’s a feel good day and nothing more. “Hey look everybody, I picked up some trash. Give me a big ol’ pat on the back!” Go fuck yourself.

People around the World taking time out of their busy schedule to plant a tree, take public transit instead of driving, pick up some trash or watch a movie about climate change. That’s what Earth Day has turned into. Big fucking deal.

The people who really make a big deal about Earth Day are the same people you see every other day of the year driving their SUV’s, drinking countless coffee’s from Starbucks out of paper cups instead of reusable ones, throwing things that could be recycled into the garbage because it’s easier, and consuming more items made from plastic than any sane person could imagine.

But I guess the fact that you planted a fucking tree makes up for all that, right?

Did you know that when Earth Day was started 40 years ago it was meant to be a day of protest? Yes, that’s right. Environmentalists all across North America would picket and march outside of businesses and companies that were doing irreversible damage to the planet.

Sure, it looks like none of it really made a fucking difference at all (thank you Conservative governments more interested in money). But these people were committed to the planet and would actually make their voices heard to the heads of these companies.

What happened? I’m glad you asked.

Well these companies grew tired of having their businesses picketed and protested so they did what anyone would do; they joined up with the environmentalists.

Yes that’s right, these companies joined the cause. Did they actually change any of their practices? Well, not by choice. They only changed what they needed to stay in line with the laws of the countries they manufacture their goods in.

Would you like an example? Of course you would.

Go to the Earth Day Canada website and check out their sponsors. One of the largest sponsors is Suncor Energy. A simple search of this company on Google will bring you many stories of the wonderful facts of Suncor Energy (again, one of the leading sponsors of Earth Day Canada).

Here’s a little one story for you, in 2007 Suncor Energy’s oil sand operation in Alberta had the 6th highest greenhouse gas emissions in Canada.

Care for another one?

In 2009 Suncor was fined $675,000 for not installing pollution control equipment at its Firebag operation near Fort McMurray, Alberta.

How about one more?

Also in 2009 Suncor was fined again, this time $175,000, for dumping untreated wastewater into the Athabasca River.

Wow, what a Green corporation.

You see, this is what Earth Day is all about. It’s lip service to the public that corporations are changing their ways and making a difference. Well they’re not. All they are doing is throwing money at the Canadian people hoping that the Earth Day celebrations of 30 and 40 years ago - the disruptive ones – never come back.

The sad part is that you people are fucking buying into it. You like that companies like Suncor Energy are throwing money at “the cause” and providing you with all the trees and reusable bags for Earth Day celebrations. One day of the year you get to feel like you’re making a difference and you people fucking love that.

Earth Day is a crock of shit. If you really cared everyday would be Earth Day.

Some Solid Advice

So there I was, just reading a book by the late George Carlin when I read some of the best advice I think that I’ve ever heard. I’ve decided to pass it on to you people. It’s probably something we should all hear.

“Most people take life much too seriously and worry about all the wrong things: security, advancement, prosperity, all those things that give you heartburn. I think people would be better off if they relaxed and had a little more fun.

Think about it: We’re all here on a big rock, zippin’ around a bad star for no good reason. We don’t know where we came from, we don’t know where we’re going, we don’t know how long it’s gonna last, and we keep having to go to the bathroom. And on top of that, the whole thing is completely meaningless.

Do you ever stop to think about that? It’s all meaningless. All this detail. What’s it for? This table. What’s it doing here? What’s the purpose? Who cares? I think the whole thing is someone’s idea of a great practical joke. So relax that extra-tight American anal sphincter, folks, and have a little fun.” – George Carlin

Three types of people who make me wish for the end of civilization as we know it.

On March 6th of this year I wrote a blog entry of a few things that piss me off. Well today I was thinking about some other things that really make me just want to scream at the top of my lungs. The last time I wrote about silly little things like Clubs, Lady Gaga and winter boots with heels. Now I still hate all of these things but this time I want to hit harder. Some of you people might get offended with some of the things I say. Do you know what I have to say to that? Go fuck yourself. That’s what I have to say. If you know who I am you know that at times I’m going to say something that might offend you. If you can’t handle that then just move along, I’ll be fine. I’ve decided to become more honest with people and this is me just being honest. Alright, here we go.

Ok, the first thing that just drives me nuts is when people decide that they need to “cleanse.” I’ll be completely honest and say that I had never heard of people doing this until 2009. The moment I had heard that people do this I thought to myself “that’s probably the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard.” Now for you people who do not know what a “cleanse” is I have two things to say to you:

a) Congratulations.
b) I am truly sorry for telling you about the dumbest fucking thing imaginable.

Now what cleansing is supposed to do is remove the toxins in your body, help you lose weight and even enhance your mood. Well doesn’t that just sound fanfuckingtastic! So how does it work you ask? Well let me tell you about just one of your options!

The most famous body cleanse is something called the Master Cleanse. How about that? Great name huh? It already sounds like your best option doesn’t it? Well let’s see what you’ll be consuming to cleanse all the shit out of your body. I’ll take you step through step.

So the first thing you do in the morning is wake up. Ok, sounds about right. That’s the first thing I do in the morning. Then you pour yourself a nice lukewarm, 32oz, glass of water. Ok, seems easy enough. Then pour in 2 teaspoons of uniodized sea salt and stir. Congratulations! You’ve just made breakfast! Now drink that bad boy. You’re on your way to a successful cleansing.

Now I bet you’re asking me why you just had lukewarm salt water for breakfast. That’s a fine question. Let me tell you with the help of the fine people at the “Just Cleansing” website:

“The salt detoxifies the entire digestive system and flushes out any impurities and toxins so they won't be reabsorbed back into the body. It isn't the most pleasant experience but the results are worth it so be strong!”

Well how about that? Ok, yes it sounds like a shitty way to start your day and no you aren’t really getting any significant nutrients and sure you’ll be hungry as hell by lunch but you want results, don’t you?

Speaking of lunch, what’s on the menu?

Well, for lunch it looks like you’re having yourself another nice little liquid mix. I know, you love chewing and breakfast was a little, let’s say, light but you want to get rid of those toxins, lose weight, look and feel good don’t you? Of course you do! Ok, well here’s the recipe.

First get yourself a nice juice pitcher. You know those kinds that you use to make great Caesars in, grab that. Then pour in 12 tablespoons organic Lemon Juice, 12 tablespoons organic Grade B Maple Syrup, 1/2 teaspoon Cayenne Pepper, and finally 60oz Purified Water. Now stir all that shit together and you’ve got lunch and an afternoon snack!

Yeah, that’s supposed to last you throughout the whole day. But c’mon those results are going to be worth it. What’s that? You want to know why you’re eating this instead of real food. Ok, well I’ll let the “Just Cleansing” people take it from here again:

“Maple Syrup
Although you may normally just pour it on your waffles, Grade B maple syrup contains a variety of minerals and vitamins. These include iron, chlorine, potassium, calcium, magnesium, manganese, copper, phosphorus, sulphur and silicon not to mention Vitamins A, B1, B2, B6 and C. Also present is Pantothenic acid, a type of B-Vitamin that can lower cholesterol.”

“Lemon Juice
Lemon juice is used to produce more bile in the liver, trapping fat molecules and allowing them to be easily secreted. It also helps to decrease your appetite.”

“Cayenne Pepper
Cayenne pepper increases metabolism and aids digestion. It is also a good source of Vitamins A, B, C, Calcium and Potassium.”

“Purified Water
The benefits of water need little explanation. It speeds your metabolism, cleans your internal organs and even helps you live longer!”

Alright, I’m sure you didn’t read that because, really, who gives a shit? The good news is that you can drink all that crap mixture you made for yourself all damn day.

So now it’s probably 5pm and you’ve just ended your shift at that soul crushing thing you call your job and it’s time to go home. You have to be looking forward to that, I mean you’ve been at work for 8 hours, you haven’t eaten a damn thing and all the food you own is at your place. It’s celebration time. What’s for dinner you ask? How about a fucking herbal laxative tea?

Yeah, that’s right your day ends with a laxative tea. Well the laxative part is really simple. You haven’t actually produced any waste all damn day. You’re gonna need that tea. Why no food again? Well foods have toxins in them, right? You don’t want to look like the big heap of shit that you look like now, do you? Of course you don’t. Who would?

So just live off of this simple cleanse diet for 3 or 4 days and you’ll lose a few pounds, get rid of all those toxins in your body, feel better and look better!

What’s that you say? How is being on a cleanse going to help you in the long run? Oh, well it doesn’t. Sure, it’ll do something now but we all know what’s going to happen. You’ll go back to eating like shit, drinking 9 cups of coffee a day, sitting on your ass all week and doing all the other horrible shit that made you decide to do this stupid fucking cleanse in the first place.

That’s right; we live in a society where people decide to live off of salt water, a shitty lemon juice mixture, and a laxative tea for almost a week at a time just to reverse the effects of their own shitty lifestyle. What do they do after that? They go back to their shitty lifestyle and nothing is accomplished at all.

That’s what bothers me the most. As a society we’ve decided to live in a world of short cuts and temporary solutions. Now people who know me know that I’m not a health conscious person at all. I really couldn’t care about that shit at all. But I am conscious of people who do stupid fucking things. Cleansing is a stupid fucking thing.

Let’s travel back and see at why people do these cleanses in the first place.

The first reason is to remove the toxins in your body. Well this is a simple solution. Stop fucking consuming the shit you do. How about you stop fucking eating fast food, drink booze like its being taken away from you or pump your body with street drugs if you don’t want toxins in your body. Now I’m not telling you to stop doing those things, far from it. Just don’t fucking start all that shit back up again after you’ve done your cleanse. What’s the point of getting rid of those toxins if you’re just gonna put them right back in there? There isn’t one.

Now the second reason people do this fucking shit is to lose a few pounds. This is fine. People always want to lose weight. However this has to be the most fucking retarded way of losing weight I have ever heard. Now you know how you are constantly looking down on anorexic people? You do it, I do it, and your mother does it. These cleanses are just one step away from temporary anorexia. How about this, just fucking change your day to day diet and you’ll not have to cleanse away all that fat and shit from your body.

That brings us to the last reason people do these cleanses; to feel better. I can’t hate a person for wanting to feel better. Who could? Only an asshole of epic proportions would want someone to not feel good. Now everyone knows that exercise naturally makes you feel better. It’s just one of those miracles of science. You take a run and you feel better, naturally. But hey, why do that? You want to feel better without actually doing anything, so you do this stupid cleanse. Really though, it makes me think. Street drugs make you feel better too, why not just stick to those?

These people who do these “cleanses” just drive me fucking insane. We live in a world where people want all of the benefits of healthy living right fucking now but are unwilling to change their lives to fucking get them. But they will starve themselves for days at a time.

Just go to a Third World Country and explain to them your stupid cleanse to them. You’d be lucky not to have the shit kicked out of you, and you know what, I’d help them. Cleanses are by, and for, twisted, lazy, middle-class, Yuppie douche bags. It’s that simple.

Wow, that went on for a while didn’t it? Jeez. Ok, well I’m on a streak so let’s move on to the next topic of my distain.

The next group of people I’m going to talk about are mostly found on University and College campuses anywhere in North America. They aren’t usually found in the places that you would think that I’d be talking about. No, they aren’t in the Business or Psychology departments. They’re actually found for the most part in the same halls I was educated in: English, Film Studies, and Philosophy departments.

These are the people who say: “I’m not religious, I’m spiritual!”

Holy shit these people are pretentious assholes.

Right now I’ll come out and say this, I am, and always have been, an Atheist. There wasn’t a single moment in my life that I ever believed that there was some sort of higher being, and I honestly don’t get how anyone else could think otherwise. That being said I think these people who claim to be spiritual but not religious are massive dickheads.

Do you know why these people don’t claim to be religious? They’re ashamed of their beliefs and the people who share them.

That’s right, they’re ashamed. These people see the typical ignorant religious person, who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs, on the news because it’s an easy sound-byte for the 11 O’clock news and they say to themselves: “Fuck that! I’m smart. There’s no way I’m part of that.”

These people go to College, enrol in classes in the Humanities Department, and spew their idiotic comments to anyone who will listen for four years, and then move on to the Suburbs. The cycle happens every year without fail.

What I don’t understand is how these people can think that being spiritual is different from being religious. It can’t be. By definition the two are exactly the fucking same thing. These people simply want a new label so they aren’t seen by their peers in their Existentialism courses to think that they’re less of an intellectual. They’re fucking phonies and it’s fucking disgusting.

So let’s use my handy little Oxford Dictionary to get the definition of the cute little nickname they’ve given themselves to show other people just how different they are.

“spiritual:
• adjective 1 relating to or affecting the human spirit as opposed to material or physical things. 2 relating to religion or religious belief.”

Well wouldn’t you look at that? It means exactly the same fucking thing. Who would have guessed that?

Now some “spiritual” people will say that they “don’t believe in any form of religious worship, or in any gods.” Well then how exactly are you spiritual? You sound like an Atheist who is too much of a baby to tell their friends and family that they don’t believe in god. You also sound like a jackass when you talk like that.

Again, the reality is that these people are either self-loathing religious people who are ashamed of their beliefs and do not want their “intellectual” college friends to lump them in with the crazies that the news get their sound-bytes from OR they are Atheists who simply don’t have the balls to call themselves that in public.

Now even though I am an Atheist I do have religious friends. It’s true, it can happen. I don’t belittle them for their faith, although I have been known to crack a joke or two. But their faith is their faith. However these “spiritual” jackasses, I have no patience for. Pick a damn side. I don’t care what side you pick, just make a goddamn choice.

That’s really all I have to say about the topic of spiritual people. Now the third type of people I am going to talk about, and who’s existence drives me insane, are somewhat similar. Like the spiritual people they too have decided to live a new age sort of bullshit lifestyle. These people are the ones who claim to be “at one with nature.”

Every time I hear someone who says that their goal is to become “one with nature” I throw up a little bit in my mouth.

What they mean by being at one with nature is that they are much more advanced environmentalists than you or I. They recycle and they believe that they have a spiritual connection with nature!

Sure you do.

Now what you have to remember is that we all, as human beings, are inherently a part of nature. Our existence on the planet occurs naturally. We were created, live, and die in nature. Any living thing on this planet, animal, plant, liquid or fucking whatever is actually a part of nature.

These people have this fucking abstract thought process where they think that regular people are separate from nature and it takes a real special person to be “at one” with it. No, that’s not how it works. Everything that we do as a species has an effect on nature, no matter what some climate change denying jackass will tell you. To think that you’re some sort of enlightened being because of your environmentalism is a stupid thing to think. Being an environmentalist is a fantastic thing, making you out to be Mr. Wonderful because of it is foolish.

Have you ever noticed who all of these people who claim to be “at one with nature” are? They’re those whiney white kids from the suburbs with Yuppie parents who, after living in a college town for four years, moved out to the city and decided to buy a Vespa and shop at Whole Foods. You never see a kid from a farming community or a person from the First Nation’s tell you about how they’ve become one with nature. Why do you think that is?

Do you want to know why I think that is? Of course you do, why else would you be reading this?

You never hear those people say stupid things like that because they know what it’s like outside of the city limits and they know a little bit more about the harsh realities of nature than the douche kid who takes his parent’s SUV up to go fucking white water rafting for the weekend.

They know that nature doesn’t really give a flying fuck about us, nor will it ever let us be “at one” with it. Actually nature doesn’t really have a thought process, so not only will it not let us to join it as soul mates it can’t even really think about constructs like the buddy-buddy relationship that Mr. Weekend Nature Lover wishes to have with it. What happens in nature happens for two reasons; either because it occurs naturally and has for millions of years or because of man-made reasons (like acid rain and other horrible shit like that.)

To think that you, or anyone, could really become “at one with nature” is probably one of the dumbest things you could ever say or attempt. It’s not going to happen. Not now, not ever. Get over yourself, enlist in another one of those totally rad outdoor philosophy classes that you love so much, and don’t forget your hacky-sack.

Jesus, looking back at all of these stupid Yuppie, middle-class, pseudo-religious, jackasses in society I am starting to think that the Suburbs were the worst thing to ever happen to the West.

RIP: Malcolm McLaren

Another cool person had to go and die on us today. Malcolm McLaren died of cancer today at the age of 64. For those who don’t know who Malcolm McLaren was, and why he was cool and a massive dickhead at the same time, I shall explain.

In the early 1970’s McLaren opened up a clothing boutique in London called “Let It Rock,” which even today is a really shitty name for a store of any type. In 1972 he travelled to New York City for a boutique fair and while in town he convinced the proto-punk band The New York Dolls to allow him to manage them, even though it’s quite clear that he had no idea how to manage a band.

Later that year he changed the name of his clothing store to the much better “Too Fast to Live, Too Young to Die;" a massive improvement if there ever was one.

Since he owned a clothing boutique and managed a band it’s pretty obvious to say who dressed The Dolls on their tour of England in 1975; Malcolm McLaren. Needless to say his red leather outfits and Communist style iconography didn’t go over well in conservative parts of England. The New York Dolls soon broke up.

By this time McLaren had renamed his boutique again. He chose the simple SEX name and switched his style over to S&M influenced clothing completely.

After The Dolls broke up he was left without a band to manage. Soon enough though he found one; a little band you now know as the Sex Pistols.

The story is that he started managing a band known as The Strand (another name that really sucks) and their three members: Glenn Matlock, Paul Cook and Steve Jones. McLaren thought that the band needed to become a four piece and move Matlock off vocals so he could just play the bass.

Well how did they find a singer you ask? They picked a kid off the street who had green hair, torn clothes and a Pink Floyd t-shirt with the words “I Hate” painted on the shirt. McLaren asked him to mouth, not sing, the words to Alice Cooper’s “I’m Eighteen” and when the song was over the band was renamed the Sex Pistols and Johnny Rotten was the new singer.

Why the Sex Pistols? “I wanted the name of the band to sound like a group of sexy assassins.” That works for me.

Just after helping to write 10 of the 12 songs for their debut album, “Never Mind the Bollocks Here’s the Sex Pistols,” the band and McLaren fired bassist Glenn Matlock as it was found out that he liked the Beatles. That’s the reason. It wasn’t that he couldn’t play the bass guitar (he could), not that he was an addict (he wasn’t), but the fact that he liked the Beatles was too much. I’ll always love that little piece of rock n’ roll history.

So the band needed a new bass player to join the band. McLaren hired a well known thug, sometime musician, and full time junkie in the new punk community named Sid Vicious. While Sid looked the part of a punk rock musician he never actually learned how to play any of the songs on the album. Steve Jones recorded both the guitar and bass tracks on the album and when the band played live Sid’s amp was never plugged in. His job was to stand up on the stage, look cool, hop around and be a junkie.

By 1978 the Sex Pistols were massive stars in England so McLaren set up a tour for them in America. The tour was a disaster.

McLaren refused to pay the members of the band any of the money that they were entitled to, except enough for heroin and beer, and the crowds in places like Texas were less than receptive to a group where 2 of the 4 members were on the stage simply to look cool and piss the audience off. The band imploded after just one year.

We all know that Sid never kicked heroin, murdered his junkie groupie girlfriend Nancy Spungen, and died of a heroin overdose while on bail awaiting his murder trial becoming a god to morons everywhere.

Well now it looked like McLaren was out of work. I guess he still had his SEX boutique and all but by 1980 the punk look had really died out in England.

So in 1980 he decided to create a new band. This would be Bow Wow Wow (another horrible name. What the fuck Malcolm?)

How did he form the band? Well he simply told the guitarist, bassist and drummer to quit their old band (Adam and the Ants) and start over again. Wouldn’t you know it, they did it.

Again though Malcolm was left without a singer for this new band, so he did the logical thing and hired Annabella Lwin a 13 year old girl who worked at her local dry cleaning shop.

The band released “See Jungle! See Jungle! Go Join Your Gang, Yeah. City All Over! Go Ape Crazy” in 1981. The cover had Annabella Lwin and the band on the cover posing like Manet’s painting “Le déjeuner sur l'herbe.” That all sounds fine and well until you notice that the woman in that painting is nude and Lwin was only 14 years old when the photo was taken. Yikes. Needless to say that album cover wasn’t printed in either the U.S. or the U.K.

So yeah, the band became popular stateside in the 80’s when they released “I Want Candy” but who gives a shit? What else was Malcolm up to?

Well he started his own music career in the 80’s releasing the singles “Buffalo Gals” and “Double Dutch.” The songs were African and hip-hop influenced which wasn’t common for the time, but then again the Clash had that exact same idea in 1980. No bonus points for you Malcolm.

Oh yeah! Also in the 1980’s Johnny (Rotten) Lydon took Malcolm to court claiming that McLaren owed him money and the rights to the band the Sex Pistols. Lydon won the case and received the money he was clearly owed for years and Malcolm was no longer owner of the Sex Pistols brand. The two never spoke again and the surviving members of the band basically told the world what a massive douche bag McLaren was to the world in the film “The Filth and the Fury” in 2000.

Um yeah, that’s really about it. To be honest the man hasn’t really been culturally relevant on this side of the pond in about 20 years. So let’s break his accomplishments down.

He made a fortune selling kids shitty clothing with slogans and safety pins in them

He managed The New York Dolls in their final days.

He basically created the Sex Pistols while at the same time being the catalyst for their destruction.

He created Bow Wow Wow by stealing them from Adam and the Ants, and had their 14 year old singer pose nude for an album cover.

His own musical career was doing the exact same thing the Clash did three years before he had the idea to do it.

Really though, if you think about it, that’s not a bad run.

The Golden Moustache Years

On New Year’s Day of 2009 I was having a terrible meal with some friends at our usual Chinese buffet when a group of men, all older than us, came in. All of these guys had moustaches. My friends were quick to make fun of these gentlemen. I heard the usual stuff about how they looked like porn stars from the 1970’s or child molesters. Unlike the rest of the group, I took a stance. For I knew something that they didn’t know, when you enter your 30’s you are entering a new era: The Golden Moustache Years.

Just when my friends had made about their 10th comment insulting these men I stopped them. “Now just wait a minute,” I pleaded. “How can you make fun of the moustache? It’s a true sign of a real man.”

At this point I really didn’t know where I was going with my argument, I just knew that I was now facing the task of sticking up for the oft-insulted moustache. I was going to have to use all of my powers of persuasion on this one.

Then, like a bolt of lightning, it came to me; hit them where they live.

“Ok, you’re all making fun of these guys but how many of your Dad’s had moustaches when you were growing up, or still have one?” As soon as I said it they all stopped and thought about it. Everyone’s father had a moustache at some point and some of them, including mine, still have one.

Now I had their attention, it was up to me to floor them now. I briefly thought it over and I came up with my hypothesis.

“You know why our father’s had moustaches? It’s simple; it’s what men do when they turn 30 years old. It’s expected. Those are your ‘Golden Moustache Years!’”

I then asked all of my friends to think of all the men they knew over the age of 30 and if they had moustaches. It turns out it’s not just our father’s who have moustaches, our uncles, friends of the family, and neighbours have them too.

Now that is not to say that all of the men that we know in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s have moustaches. Some of the people I was dining with would mention how they have an uncle family friend who does not have one. “Well, how much do you trust this man,” I asked.

“Not too much,” seemed to be the unanimous answer.

It was at this point in time that we all as a group did something that we haven’t done before, or since; we all agreed on something.

It was declared right then and there that any man between the ages of 30 and 60 years old MUST have a moustache. It’s the respectable thing to do. Your father did it and goddamnit, you’ll do it!

The bad news is that currently I’m 25 years old and I seem to be unable to grow a moustache.