St. Patrick's Day: The Worst Day of the Year?

There are literally numerous things I love about Irish people, but I loathe St. Patrick’s Day.

The Irish people have given us fantastic things like James Joyce and Irish whiskey but St. Patrick’s Day cancels those fantastic things out in my books. Why do I hate today more than any other you ask? It’s quite simple really; it’s the people who love St. Patrick’s Day of course.

Today brings out a certain kind of moron like no other day of the year does. In cities around the world every fucking Neanderthal walking the earth plays dress up and pretends that they are Irish for a 12 hour span and proceeds to drink their face off and scream things like “St. Patty’s day, whooooo” at everyone they come into contact with. How wonderful.

The people who get really into St. Patrick’s Day are not a certain demographic; no it’s not that simple. Every drunkard from the age of 18 to death makes a huge deal about this day and they all seem to act like gigantic jackasses for a 24 hour span.

I’ll never understand why either. It’s not like you need a holiday to drink your face off and act like the world’s largest bag of dicks. You could do that on any weekend, and most of these people already do that. So what I’ll do is sum up the things that you will see tonight at any bar anywhere in a few paragraphs.

Tonight the first thing that you’ll notice is a bunch of people wearing green. This is obvious. Now there’s no reason for any of these people to be wearing green except that they’ll want to fit in. Most of the dumb ass jocks will be wearing tight t-shirts with a stupid slogan on it like “fuck me, I’m Irish.” The whorish girls will be wearing the same shit that they’d wear any night at a club, except in green. Hipster guys and girls will also be wearing green, but I am certain it will be in some ironic fashion. No surprises here.

(Interesting side note: none of these people will be Irish.)

The next thing you will see is, of course, green beer. Everyone will be drinking green beer. (If they aren’t they’ll be drinking Guinness because they think it’s more authentic for the day. Sure. Whatever. Go fuck yourself.) Green beer is just like wearing green today. You’re drinking it because everyone else is doing it.

Every bar will be adding green dye to Labatt’s Blue to make green beer. Now, do you normally drink Labatt’s Blue? Of course you don’t, because it’s horrible. Now why are you going to spend over $50 today buying Labatt’s Blue? You’re a moron, that’s why.

So now you’re decked out in your green clothes and have your shitty green beer. Look around, what kind of bar are you in, a club or a pub?

If you’re in a club the overall look of the club will be exactly the same except for some fake looking clover shit all over the walls. The employees will also be wearing green and will have either one of two expressions on their face: pissed off because they’re working and can’t act like the moron you’ll be acting like in four minutes OR happy as fuck because they’ll be making an insane amount of money off of your dumb ass on a week day.

If you don’t see any of this but instead you see more wood beams and a better liquor selection you are in a pub. Now normally I would applaud you on your decision of a pub over a club. However, since its St. Patrick’s Day and your selection wasn’t “fuck all of you, I’m staying home” I will have to tell you why you made the wrong choice.

A pub is a fantastic place to get loaded. I love them. The workers are nicer (and typically better looking), the music is better (obviously), and as I’ve mentioned the drink selection is much better than a club. Normally this would be a great time to go to a pub, but there’s a problem; you aren’t the only one who thought about going to a pub.

St. Patrick’s Day brings some of the more thoughtful morons out to the pubs. These are the people who never go to pubs except for one day of the year. Guess which one it is. These dipshits come out because they want to get violently drunk in a pub, you know, like they do in Ireland (or in any pub any during any of the other 364 days of the year.)

What they don’t realize is that they go to clubs because they like the music and dancing that clubs provide. These things do not exist at pubs so they get bored. What do they do when they get bored you ask? Well let me tell you! These pub tourists bother everyone else. They bother the workers, the girls, and the normal people who frequent that pub on a regular basis.

Again, I love drinking. I love it. No questions about it. I also like acting like an ass from time to time. But I fucking hate St. Patrick’s Day. If it’s not the worst day of the year it’s only because New Year’s Eve has taken its place. Just fucking stay home and spend even more money getting loaded on the weekend.