Cameron Durkin: Woodsman Extraordinaire

One of the more insane ideas I’ve had recently has been giving everything up (job, school, and responsibilities) and just moving into a cabin in the woods somewhere.

Now I think we all know the chances of me going through with this, admittedly poorly thought out, plan is pretty much at 0%. The thing is though, what if I did do it? Would I be able to do it? Would I just end up more bat-shit insane than I am now?

I am pretty sure that I first had this idea while I was at my previous job. I knew I was going to move to Toronto but there was a voice in my head that just kept saying “fuck it. Don’t move to Toronto. Find a crappy place to live out in the woods and isolate yourself from the people who are driving you so crazy.”

Needless to say I did not pay attention to the voice in my head. I moved to Toronto and started over. Things are going fine, I guess. I’m living in excessive poverty at the moment but things are sure to turn around soon (go optimism!). Still though, at least once a day I get little voice telling me “come on, screw this town. Find a cabin to live in. You hate this nine to five life and all the materialism.”

This is where the voice is correct. I do hate the materialism that exists not only in this city but all over the nation. Also, I’m not too crazy about the lifestyle that comes with joining the working week. To be quite honest I’d rather live on my own terms, which is really why I thought about just leaving everything behind and moving to the woods.

In addition to the work life that is mandatory of anyone living in the civilized world there is also the necessary interaction between people. I am none too crazy about this either.

Despite my rather comically loud voice I am not really comfortable with starting up a conversation with anyone. You wouldn’t believe how much you need to do this in real life! It’s amazing how much talking is expected from you. It’s disgusting really.

When I go out on my own anywhere I will always put my headphones on, wear sunglasses and look directly at the ground when I walk. Not only do I avoid hearing people so I don’t have to interact but I don’t even look at people when I’m out! I don’t feel comfortable talking to people and making eye contact only multiplies the chances of human interaction. No thank you.

So I don’t want to live in our materialistic, career-driven world where people expect you to interact with other members of society. Based on these criteria I look like a prime candidate to become a recluse. But before I pack everything up and just move into the deep woods away from everyone I need to figure some things out.

The biggest question I need to ask myself is “would I die if I moved into the woods?” To answer this question we need to really think about my living situation in my non-existent cabin.

The first thing I would need to think about is location of my new home. Where would I want to live? Well, since I don’t have any legal right to live in any other nation it looks like my home would have to be in Canada. This isn’t a deal breaker in the least. I’ve lived here my whole life and I’ll probably live here until I die.

If I am going to remain in Canada I will have to pick a Province to live in. Immediately we can rule out the Territories. There’s not a chance in hell that I would ever move up there. We can also cross out British Columbia as it would be too much of a start up cost. Alberta is Texas North so it gets crossed off the list. Saskatchewan is a barren wasteland of a Province, so it too is crossed off the list. Manitoba? No. Never. Quebec is beautiful but I can’t speak a word of French. That would really be a problem for a guy living alone in the woods. To save time I’ll just tell you that I am also ruling out all the Maritime Provinces.

So it looks like my non-existent cabin in the woods is located in Ontario! Well that’s convenient. I don’t think I’m going to pick a town right now, but I am certain that it would be between Toronto and Ottawa. No need to move too far. I’m looking to escape, not vanish into the void.

Now that I have a location I need to think of what I would bring with me. My bed easily makes the trip, no getting around that. All of my books are making the trip too. There’s no way I’d move anywhere without my books. I don’t even leave my apartment without a book. I’d bring my camera because I’m sure my new surroundings would merit a camera. My guitar would also come with me. I’ve been playing it again recently. Who knows, I might move into the woods and write an album about my experiences! Why not? I’d need my computer too. I’m not bringing a stereo or anything so I’d need something to play music. Also, I’d want to write up there. Lastly, I guess I would need to bring a generator to operate all of these things.

There’s no way I’d be taking a television or a cell phone with me though. Not a chance. I want to escape all of the things that a television and a cell phone represent! No room for that in my badass cabin of coolness!

Ok, so I’m on the road with my stuff packed. How am I going to survive up there?

Well, I can start a fire so that’s good. At least I’d be warm. What would I do for food though? I don’t hunt and I’m pretty sure that I know so little about wild vegetation that I would die from a poisonous plant of some sort in less than a week.

Oh, I just remembered something else. I’m not what one would call “handy.” In fact I think my handiness rating is actually in negative numbers. I’d probably get seriously hurt if I needed to fix my cabin for some reason.

Oh my god! I would get hurt. Like really badly too. Who would help me? I don’t want to die of something lame like breaking a bone and it getting infected because I have no way of getting help since I left my cell phone back in the so-called civilized world! Not a chance that’s going to happen to me.

Could you imagine my funeral? “Oh how did Cameron die? He was so young” some sexy lady would ask. Another sexy lady would give the answer: “he fell off a ladder and broke his leg. It got really infected because he had no way of calling for help and getting to a hospital. What a dumbass.”

Well I can’t go out like that. It wouldn’t be fair to the imaginary ladies who are mourning me at my funeral. So for the time being, I’ll stick to the headphones and sunglasses. You know for the ladies.

I always think of others before myself.